EVERYDAY MENTOR

Andrew Gray

Hello Reader

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And of course, a big welcome back to everyone who has been here for some length of time.

Let's get into today's conversation . . . .

"Mend Your Fences"

One of the most obvious, and yet powerful attributes of fences, is that they can simultaneously keep things in, and keep things out.

Hopefully, as the metaphor of 'fences' applies to your life, there will be fences that keep healthy things in, and unhealthy things out!

In the context of what I want to share about today, I am referring to 'fences' as the metaphorical equivalent of having Healthy Boundaries . . . Specifically in regards to our relationships.

The skillful and strategic implementation of Healthy Boundaries (aka fences), in our relationships, will produce for you two highly desirable outcomes;

Firstly, it will liberate you from the toxic experience of damaging and manipulative relationships. Worth it!!

Secondly, it will set the tone for who and what is attracted into your life.

For example - If you allow abusive people to be in relationship with you, then unfortunately you will attract these kinds of people in the future.

The opposite is also powerfully true!

Just like natural fences need regular inspection, mending & maintenance, so too do our relational fences.

We need to be diligent enough to regularly evaluate what we are allowing in our relationships to ascertain if our fences have become a little broken down, and by virtue, we have allowed unhealthy people to become too entwined with our life.

Keep reading below for more detailed insight into why this principle is so crucial to understand and employ, if you want to experience the joy of having a Healthy Soul.

The core message is that when we don't structure the expectations of our relationships, via the correct implementation of healthy boundaries, we run the risk of leaving margin for other people to mistreat us, disrespect us and therefore strip us of our power. In other words, to make us increasingly powerless. And that when we become powerless, it is near impossible to keep our love on!

Let's take a closer look at "Healthy Boundaries" - These are the rules we establish in our relationships with others, that set the expectation for how we will, and won't allow ourselves to be treated, and indeed how we plan to treat others. Please don't be sidetracked: This is not a teaching on how to gain more power (the upper hand) than the other person, or more power than we should.

'Healthy Boundaries' is all about setting the parameters for how we should be treated in relationships, and how we will respond when this doesn't occur. Healthy Boundaries are about; Respect, Fairness, Honesty, Love, Care, Sharing etc etc. The opposite of these are obvious. (think of the stark contrast between a regular two-way street vs a one-way street)

What do we do when we are disrespected and mistreated in relationships? This is the true measure of where our relationship boundaries are located.

If we respond by speaking up and communicating that we will not allow ourselves to be mistreated, then the boundary lines are clearly set, and healthy for both people in the relationship.

When we are disrespected and mistreated, and we do nothing about it (because we are afraid, or we wrongly believe that enduring that treatment is somehow the 'right thing to do'), we teach the other person that our boundary lines do not exist, and they are allowed to walk all over us if they want to.

This inevitably leads to further disrespect and mistreatment, manipulation and we get stripped of our power, making it almost impossible to keep our love on.

'Keeping our love on' and 'Staying Powerful' is the act of establishing and preserving healthy boundaries, so that we only exist in close relationships that produce mutual enjoyment and benefit. When people demonstrate their unwillingness to observe and respect our boundaries, and show us that they want an unequal amount of power in relationship with us, yet we retain the standards of how we will be treated, something amazing and tangibly liberating happens . . .

Firstly, the other party will either learn that they must adjust their ways in order to be in relationship with you, or they will have to become familiar with greater distance from you. Both of these outcomes are good outcomes. Life is happier when our close relationships are healthy, and our less healthy relationships are more distant.

Secondly, by retaining our healthy boundaries, we are able to stay powerful. We are saying to others "I would like to be in relationship with you, however, if you want to come closer, you will not be allowed to mistreat me"

Thirdly, our boundaries train others that there is an expected manner in which to operate in relationship with us, if they wish to draw closer. (Caveat: If you are learning these truths whilst already in relationship with people who do disrespect, mistreat and manipulate, you may need skilled support to re-establish boundaries in your life)

Lastly, in the instance where you choose to maintain healthy boundaries, and other people don't like it, and thereby they elect to increase their distance in the relationship, you will be able to understand that what they are demonstrating is the truth that they actually only want close relationship with you, if the power is tipped disproportionately in their favour. This can be difficult to accept, but you must. You cannot allow this. You cannot compromise on healthy boundaries. You will regret it if you do. You cannot allow yourself to be manipulated out of your healthy boundary lines. aka - "If you don't do things my way, I will give you the silent treatment" etc etc.

When others behave this way, in the face of healthy boundary retention, you will be able to see that the problem comes from a brokenness in them, not you!

Here is where the gold emerges . . . With healthy boundaries still in tact, and some people responding by showing you they are not happy about it, and you recognising that the problem lies with them . . . You will remain respected and properly treated, and therefore you will be able to "keep your Love on"

Your love is 'kept on' because inside the boundary lines of how you choose to live in relationships, you will now have sufficient energy for compassion towards those who want to move your boundary lines for their own advantage. They are broken. They are not coping. They have learned to navigate life by deploying manipulation to get what they want. But, not with you. You have established healthy boundaries. You have required relationships to be mutually enjoyable. You have stayed powerful. You have kept your love on!

Everyday Mentor in 2025

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